woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize