If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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