Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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