I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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