I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
