considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
