I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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