Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I want a musical about memes.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
