I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
