I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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