I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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