There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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