Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize