There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dear god my vagina.
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