a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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