so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
