Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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