I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
