I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
