all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
