im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
