I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
