we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
