Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
do nipples grow back?
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