I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
