tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
