I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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