Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
