We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize