We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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