I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
