Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
