watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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