What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
