I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
