the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
