Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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