I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
