It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
