Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
