I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
