I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
