Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
