I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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