Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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