On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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