Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
