if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
