Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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