1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
