After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just googled if crying burns calories
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
