someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i think i have herpe
just one?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
