All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
