I just cut my nipple shaving
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
