I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
