my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
