she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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