i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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