I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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