my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
