If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
