idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize