Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Pants are for mortals
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
