dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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