im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
