just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
