Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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