I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize