pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
