I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
