I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
