I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
