Umm I'm too high to move.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
