Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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