i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
