I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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