and you said cock pushups were impossible
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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